Stupidity or Never should have had that affair with the married man!

Why are men so stupid? I mean really! I suppose it's not his fault, entirely. I have been involved with the same man for half my 54 years. Why, well I thought I loved him, and after a while I guess I wanted to be the last one standing. I know, stupid. When I first met him I didn't really have much experience with men and almost no self confidence so he made me feel special and beautiful. That can be addicting. I tried to handle the affair like a man, no emotional ties, but after years and years, when he got married I was heartbroken. Then to add insult to injury, they had a baby. He who never wanted kids, had a kid. And of course , the wife was perfect, tall, thin, successful in her own right, educated, sophisticated, blah blah blah. Then there was me, short, overweight, struggling single mom.

My mom who I was very close to passed away in 1992 and my world crashed. She was my north star. I was brave and strong and fearless as long as she was there. When your anchor is gone, at least for me, I was lost. It sent me into an emotional tailspin that it took me years to recover from. I decided to move to Arizona because my brother lives here and I thought it would be good for my daughter to be near family, what a joke that turned out to be. I couldn't get a decent paying job, could barely keep a roof over our heads, couldn't take her to the doctor most of the time, it was a nightmere. One of the reasons I moved here was to get away from the married man.

I have to say , that affair is not one of my proudest moments. I wish I had been smarter and stronger and felt like I deserved better.

Now he's talking about marriage between us and he want a marriage contract, stating how many times a week we have sex and he gets to pick out my underwear and Oh I get to earn points if I have sex more than the agreed number a week. Is he kidding???

Sex for me is all wrapped up in a lot of things, feeling loved and cared for and cared about and valued and knowing that someone is always on my side and that I have a soft place to fall. When all that is in place, it breeds desire and desire breeds passion.

You can put me in any kind of designer clothes you want and I am still going to be me. I'm still going to drop things and spill things and laugh at the wrong time and never be sure which fork to use. I'm always going to enjoy talking and joking with complete strangers, I will never be impressed by arrogance, I will always hate the sound of ticking clocks, I will always love people who make me laugh and I will always love the sound of the ocean. I will never notice someone's watch and will almost never notice anyone's shoes. I will never be anyone's definition of cultured or sophisticated and I'm okay with all of that. I am not asking for anyone's approval, I don't need it. I like the person I am now and it took me a long long time to get here and anyone who loves me is going to have to love me because of all those things and not in spite of them. I think he loves me in spite of them and that's not good enough and I cannot live with that.

I guess he doesn't have a very high opinion of me . Lesson learned, won't make the same mistake again. Of course it took me a while to learn this lesson but I did.