Posted to another sight the day after my birthday, 3/5/2011

Well, yesterday was my 55th birthday. I am officially a senior citizen. Funny, I don't feel like one. Actually, I feel like my life is just beginning. I've made a lot of mistakes in my 55 years. The biggest mistake I think is not having any confidence in myself. I spent so many years feeling not good enough. To quote Oprah, I've had some A-Ha moments this last year. They hit me when I least expected it. There is a man I have been involved with for half of my life. Of course he's married and I knew him before and after he was married, both times. He's had 2 wives but I've always been there. Not quite sure why, at least on his part. I think I figured it out on my part. I've discovered I'm afraid of relationships. They take too much work and you have to give up some control and you have to make yourself vulnerable to another person. I becomes we.....not for me. I have always wanted to be able to have a wonderful relationship but I don't think I'm capable of it. The other a-ha moment was a realization about myself.... I will always be the person who spills things and drops things.. I will always talk and joke with perfect strangers I will always care more about animals than people I will never be impressed by arrogance and snobbiness I will never care about someone's shoes or watch I am loving and kind and compassionate and caring I am a hard worker and have a great sense of humor I will never be anyone's definition of culture or educated or sophisticated and I am okay with that I've discovered that I like the person I am. It was quite a realization for me. Through a whole crapload of mistakes my daughter and I ended up living in Phoenix Arizona. It's taken me a very long time to understand that learning to like and accept myself is what this journey was about. I guess I had to learn but I wish I could have learned this lesson without moving here. It was the biggest mistake I made and I regret moving here. I appreciate what I have learned but I wish I could have learned it without almost destroying our lives.