Posted to another sight the day after my birthday, 3/5/2011

Well, yesterday was my 55th birthday. I am officially a senior citizen. Funny, I don't feel like one. Actually, I feel like my life is just beginning. I've made a lot of mistakes in my 55 years. The biggest mistake I think is not having any confidence in myself. I spent so many years feeling not good enough. To quote Oprah, I've had some A-Ha moments this last year. They hit me when I least expected it. There is a man I have been involved with for half of my life. Of course he's married and I knew him before and after he was married, both times. He's had 2 wives but I've always been there. Not quite sure why, at least on his part. I think I figured it out on my part. I've discovered I'm afraid of relationships. They take too much work and you have to give up some control and you have to make yourself vulnerable to another person. I becomes we.....not for me. I have always wanted to be able to have a wonderful relationship but I don't think I'm capable of it. The other a-ha moment was a realization about myself.... I will always be the person who spills things and drops things.. I will always talk and joke with perfect strangers I will always care more about animals than people I will never be impressed by arrogance and snobbiness I will never care about someone's shoes or watch I am loving and kind and compassionate and caring I am a hard worker and have a great sense of humor I will never be anyone's definition of culture or educated or sophisticated and I am okay with that I've discovered that I like the person I am. It was quite a realization for me. Through a whole crapload of mistakes my daughter and I ended up living in Phoenix Arizona. It's taken me a very long time to understand that learning to like and accept myself is what this journey was about. I guess I had to learn but I wish I could have learned this lesson without moving here. It was the biggest mistake I made and I regret moving here. I appreciate what I have learned but I wish I could have learned it without almost destroying our lives.

Afraid of my life.....

When did that happen? Was I always afraid of my life? What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of men, relationships, rejection, not being good enough. I am 54 years old and I have limited myself most of my life. Fear serves no purpose. What was I waiting for ? Waiting to be better, smarter, prettier, thiner, richer???

So, now that I have identified the reality, what do I do? I don't think I was always afraid. I think that happened after my mom died and I mad my worst fears come true. Intense grief contributed to me making every bad decision possible. I made my life so much harder than it had to be.

When my mom was alive, I was fearless. I was not afraid to do anything. So what happened?

I SEE HER......

I see her, falling and losing control. I see her hiding and lost and I don't know what to do. I figured she was smoking pot but she's all grown up and has been on her own for a long time. It's not my business. My concern is the way her personality has changed.

She is crabby and cranky and defensive and moody and mean. She doesn't care about anything or herself and she doesn't hardly eat anymore. Clinical depression, I see it in her eyes. It's not just that she's having a bad day, it's a serious depression. That's such a vague term, I think it's a clinical imbalance. I think she's always had this imbalance I just didn't see it. There was always a logical reason, she was young, we moved around a lot, pms, she was a teenager.... I just never saw it. Even when she asked me for help, when she was about 11 or 12 she came to me crying saying she didn't know what was wrong with her but she needed help. By the time I figured out how to get her help with no medical benefits, she wouldn't go. I should have seen it then but at that time I was having trouble getting a job and never knew where we would live. I should have seen.

I don't think the issue is the marajuana smoking. I think it's the clinical depression and once that is taken care of I think the pot smoking will run its course.

I have always said she was one of the strongest people I know and she really is. Even as a kid she found a way to take care of herself and survive. It's takes great strength to do what she's done and what an amazing survival instinct.

My real fear here is that the pot isn't helping her cope anymore. I'm afraid she will either give in to the depression and kill herself or someone else or end up in jail or she'll move on to something stronger.

How do I help her, what do I say?

Memories

Do we accurately remember the past or do we choose to put a positive spin on everything. Lately I have been strolling down memory lane, and the lane is called Class of 1970 Ten Year Grammar School Reunion. I don't remember the name of the place, it was some little banquet hall in Chicago but I remember that about 90 out of 138 kids showed up. It was fun to see everyone. Some people had not changed, were still snarky and stuck up but it was still fun.

As I spend more time thinking about it I remember that I felt alone and kind of out of place, you know the feeling, on the outside. Or maybe you don't know the feeling. We went to a bar afterwards because no one wanted to leave and again, I felt on the outside.

So I'm sitting her wondering if we choose to remember things fondly rather than remember the reality??

Stupidity or Never should have had that affair with the married man!

Why are men so stupid? I mean really! I suppose it's not his fault, entirely. I have been involved with the same man for half my 54 years. Why, well I thought I loved him, and after a while I guess I wanted to be the last one standing. I know, stupid. When I first met him I didn't really have much experience with men and almost no self confidence so he made me feel special and beautiful. That can be addicting. I tried to handle the affair like a man, no emotional ties, but after years and years, when he got married I was heartbroken. Then to add insult to injury, they had a baby. He who never wanted kids, had a kid. And of course , the wife was perfect, tall, thin, successful in her own right, educated, sophisticated, blah blah blah. Then there was me, short, overweight, struggling single mom.

My mom who I was very close to passed away in 1992 and my world crashed. She was my north star. I was brave and strong and fearless as long as she was there. When your anchor is gone, at least for me, I was lost. It sent me into an emotional tailspin that it took me years to recover from. I decided to move to Arizona because my brother lives here and I thought it would be good for my daughter to be near family, what a joke that turned out to be. I couldn't get a decent paying job, could barely keep a roof over our heads, couldn't take her to the doctor most of the time, it was a nightmere. One of the reasons I moved here was to get away from the married man.

I have to say , that affair is not one of my proudest moments. I wish I had been smarter and stronger and felt like I deserved better.

Now he's talking about marriage between us and he want a marriage contract, stating how many times a week we have sex and he gets to pick out my underwear and Oh I get to earn points if I have sex more than the agreed number a week. Is he kidding???

Sex for me is all wrapped up in a lot of things, feeling loved and cared for and cared about and valued and knowing that someone is always on my side and that I have a soft place to fall. When all that is in place, it breeds desire and desire breeds passion.

You can put me in any kind of designer clothes you want and I am still going to be me. I'm still going to drop things and spill things and laugh at the wrong time and never be sure which fork to use. I'm always going to enjoy talking and joking with complete strangers, I will never be impressed by arrogance, I will always hate the sound of ticking clocks, I will always love people who make me laugh and I will always love the sound of the ocean. I will never notice someone's watch and will almost never notice anyone's shoes. I will never be anyone's definition of cultured or sophisticated and I'm okay with all of that. I am not asking for anyone's approval, I don't need it. I like the person I am now and it took me a long long time to get here and anyone who loves me is going to have to love me because of all those things and not in spite of them. I think he loves me in spite of them and that's not good enough and I cannot live with that.

I guess he doesn't have a very high opinion of me . Lesson learned, won't make the same mistake again. Of course it took me a while to learn this lesson but I did.

Memorial day

When I was a kid, my Uncle Bud use to go to the cemetary every memorial day and put flags by all of the family grave stones. One day Uncle Bud died and no more flags. My father and all his brothers and my uncles on my mom's side all fought in World War II. My uncle John, my dads brother was decorated for saving some small Italian town. My mom always said it was probably because he was smashed. My Uncle John liked to drink. This doesn't really have anything to do with living in Arizona but it was something I was remembering.

I live in Phoenix, not Nazi Phoenix, just Phoenix Arizona. I was born and raised in Chicago and it will always be home to me but I live here now. It's really hard to live here, the pay sucks, bigtime, and the public transportation isn't so great either. It's better now but they put in this Light Rail which is a good idea but they should have extended it farther than they did and they have this stupid honor system for paying and most of the people who ride the train don't pay so the transportation department is losing money, gee I wonder why.

The immigration bill has really caused quite a stink around here, in case you hadn't heard. Someone asked me how do you tell legal from illegal, well, my answer would be how does any country tell. You ask for identification. How come every other country in the world can do this but we cannot? Why are the rules supposed to be different for Mexicans? If you don't live here you really don't understand what it's like.

The problem I have here is the attitude of entitlement. That any one group of people is entitled to whatever it is they happen to want. Wanting something, needing something, working for something is one thing but thinking you are entitled to it just because you want it is a whole other thing. I don't just mean in the immigration case. I mean in anything.

Yes, its true!

I live in Arizona, Phoenix to be exact and I have been here for about 15 years. Moved here from Chicago. I don't miss the cold or snow or wind but I do miss my friends and family and Lake Shore Drive. It's one of the best drives around. I like living here but lately, there's a lot of drama and people don't really understand what it's like here.

I am all for people from foreign countries coming here but do it legally, that's all I'm saying.